Thinking the Unthinkable

Tuesday, July 30th, 2013

It’s July 30th, a year after Steve’s body was found. I went to visit the place where he was found and went to the cemetery to bring flowers and said a prayer for him.

Flowers for Steve

Flowers for Steve

I was dreading this day. I wasn’t really sure how my day will pan out. But I guess, I have to go on as I do everyday – go to work and then take care of Kyle when I get home.

It had been more than a year since the unthinkable happened. And yet, the memory is still fresh like it was only yesterday. The pain is raw like a wound that wouldn’t heal. I still can’t believe he’s gone. A few days ago after all these months, our little munchkin asked me that he wanted to see his Daddy…that he missed him. I was speechless and all I could do was to hug our little one.

Reading books and positive affirmations sometimes help me alleviate this heaviness in my heart.  I’m trying to live through this but sometimes it can be too much.  Out of necessity, I’d compartmentalized my grief, and I read somewhere that it can only work so far. What I know for sure is that I’ll never forget the people who had caused so much pain to Steve.  Losing Steve hurt me, my son and my family in ways that can’t be quantified. They will be held accountable for their actions. And when that happens, then maybe I will finally be at peace.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” ~ Washington Irving

In closing, I would like to request to say a little prayer for Steve’s eternal peace. Thank you.

Fourth of July, 2013.

Thursday, July 4th, 2013

Happy Independence Day!

We are just celebrating the Fourth of July, quite low key. We’ll be having hotdogs & we’ll be watching the fireworks tonight. And I thought to myself as if  I were talking to him right now, “you’ll be missing the fireworks, hon.”

Steve, a Dad.

Sunday, June 16th, 2013

I came across this poem a few years ago just after Steve and I had our little munchkin. When I reflected on this poetry before, I thought about my own Dad who had passed away when I was young.

But now, this reminds me of Steve —how he was with our little munchkin. He was the world to him.  He loved him so much. He was with us for a short time but the life that he had as an honest and good man will live on even after death. He was a great Dad.

Follow A Famous Father

Poem by Edgar Albert Guest

I follow a famous father,
His honor is mine to wear;
He gave me a name that was free from shame,
A name he was proud to bear.
He lived in the morning sunlight,
And marched in the ranks of right.
He was always true to the best he knew
And the shield that he wore was bright.

I follow a famous father,
And never a day goes by
But I feel that he looks down to me
To carry his standard high.
He stood to the sternest trials
As only a brave man can;
Though the way be long, I must never wrong
The name of so good a man.

I follow a famous father,
Not known to the printed page,
Nor written down in the world’s renown
As a prince of his little age.
But never a stain attached to him
And never he stooped to shame;
He was bold and brave and to me he gave
The pride of an honest name.

I follow a famous father,
And him I must keep in mind;
Though his form is gone, I must carry on
The name that he left behind.
It was mine on the day he gave it,
It shone as a monarch’s crown,
And as fair to see as it came to me
It must be when I pass it down.

Happy Birthday, Steve.

Saturday, June 15th, 2013

My little munchkin and I are spending time with my in laws in Boston. It’s great to be back but it’s the first time that we’re back visiting Steve’s family without him. I’m having mixed feelings. It’s feels strange without him here. I’m happy that the little one is having a great time with his Nana. I’m still having these moments when I think about him and it’s still painful.

What could have been? Although I’m a great believer in being grateful for the things that you have right now, my heart still goes to that place where I wish he’s still with me and our little munchkin.

It was his birthday yesterday. And we celebrated his birthday by celebrating life.

 

Gone Away

Thursday, April 11th, 2013

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Steve. Even when I buried myself with work and taking care of our little munchkin, he’s everywhere with me and yet physically not with me. At times, it’s too much to bear thinking about it.

Our godmother from our wedding gave me a calendar with passages from the bible. I put it on my desk at work so that every single day, there’s a message that I read. It helps me somehow. Today, it’s a month before the anniversary of when he was missing and I thought about this song. It describes how I feel right now.

http://youtu.be/numCZoBFcv4

via The Offspring – Gone Away – YouTube

 

The Headstone

Monday, March 11th, 2013

I finally dealt with getting a headstone for Steve. It should be fairly simple – just order online, choose a few graphics & pictures and it’ll be delivered when it’s done.  The reason it took a while for me to deal with this is because I felt that there’s no going back, he’s really physically gone. It was emotionally draining after doing that.

 

It has been a while since I wrote something but what else can I say besides the fact that I missed him terribly. These days, I’m busy with taking care of my little munchkin & work. This coming May 11th, it’ll will mark the 1st year since Steve had been reported missing. A lot of things had happened since then. And later on when the time is right, I will share more.

I’m planning on having a Memorial Mass for Steve on that day. 

“Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean, 
Tears from the depths of some devine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes, 
In looking on the happy autumn fields, 
And thinking of the days that are no more.” 
― Alfred Tennyson

Thanksgiving

Tuesday, November 27th, 2012

It’s been a while since I wrote something here. The tragedy that happened to our family had been taking it’s toll. At the end of the day, I was just exhausted so I’m trying to sleep more. At the same time, I didn’t want this website to be a pity party.

Thanksgiving Flowers For Steve

Thanksgiving Flowers For Steve

I’m going to list some of the things I’m thankful for even though I still feel the loss of my husband, especially this past Thanksgiving. This holiday season, there’s a tinge of sadness that I just can’t help feeling even if we’re celebrating Thanksgiving. I don’t even think the pain will ever end. Maybe it’ll fade in time but it’ll be like a scar that will always be a part of me.

Even though I prefer him alive, I’m still grateful for the life that I shared together with Steve.

I’m thankful for having this little munchkin of mine who lights up my life.

I’m thankful for having family and friends that will always be there for me when the going gets tough. I’m grateful for the people who send their birthday wishes and gifts to my little one, attended his birthday party to celebrate life and made it memorable for both of us.

I’m thankful for the concerned public who showed support when Steve was still missing.

I’m grateful that in spite of what had happened, I still have faith.

“Justice can sleep for years and awaken when it is least expected. A miracle is nothing more than dormant justice from another time arriving to compensate those it has cruelly abandoned. Whoever knows this is willing to suffer, for he knows that nothing is in vain.” ~  Mark Helprin, Winter’s Tale

“Let the first act of every morning be to make the following resolve for the day:
– I shall not fear anyone on Earth.
– I shall fear only God.
– I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.
– I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.
– I shall conquer untruth by truth. And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering.” ~  Mahatma Gandhi